Too Many Puppies (my Dad’s band Va Voom toured with Primus)

The Da Vinci Code (it’s a real thing persisting throughout media across cultures all through history)

Harriet Cole (now look at St. Bart on the Sistine Chapel it’s exactly what you think I’m sorry, now zoom out on Harriet’s face and the last judgement yes it’s a magic eye painting, Michelangelo used to rob crypts and probably told a priest about it. see also: Ice Cream Paint Job, All That Meat and No Potatoes, Undone, Tweezer, many other songs)

Tusk (sorry)

Jurassic Park and Avatar (they used the same noises for the raptor and the horses, they do stuff like this all the time)

Edwardsiella andrillae (remember that scene in Avatar? These were discovered one year AFTER it came out )

International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling (the year BEFORE the Paris treaty? wow. important)

Project Headgear (yeah it’s whale Avatar guys, sorry, listen, we can’t go very deep because the pressure will kill us. whales can go deeper in the ocean than us. Eighty percent of the ocean, maybe more is unexplored. It is safe from nuclear war under the ocean. The water protects against radiation.)

Silver Spring Monkeys (that’s how they are doing it, I think. the whale avatar.)

Monkey and Ladder Experiment (shake that monkey)

Shake That Monkey (there are a lot of Cetacean citations in popular music. seriously. once you hear it, you cannot un-hear it. there are fucking whale references everywhere

see: Killa Whale by Andre Nickatina, Mooo! by Doja Cat, My Humps by Fergie, it goes on and on. there is also a whole series of jokes about “bay area” hip hop)

Semi-Dirac Fermions (they were observed in the lab when scientists used cold temperatures and magnetism, like in Antarctica, and used materials that would be found in the ocean, like sulfur, silicon, and zircon. by the way some scientists think it’s possible for life forms to be made of silicon.

For those who don’t understand why these are important, basically they turn invisible when they turn to the side. like a cartoon character who is skinny.

See: Flatland

see also, songs by Too Short: Information, You Don’t Know, and Invasion of the Flat Booty Bitches )

Arrival

The Abyss

Pacific Rim

Bloop (ice “calving,” huh? PHRASING)

Rotifers (they are called wheel-bearers because they are giving us the fucking WHEEL, not because of their mouths.

They can do horizontal gene transfer, and they can stay frozen in ice for tens of thousands of years in what is basically cryo sleep. They are like the mosquito frozen in amber from Jurassic Park. They are also like the

Oankali, from Octavia Butlers’ Xenogenesis books. )

Horizontal Gene Transfer (did you guys know that humans already have over 100 genes that have been horizontally transferred from other living things???? its way faster than inheriting traits through natural selection. it can happen within two hours. like animorphs. animorphs, guys! weird shit happens sometimes like insect genes getting transferred into cacao and insects getting plant genes

see:

The Gene That Jumped

Sidestepping Darwin)

NO IT CAN’T BE

YES YOU GUYS, IT CAN

TRUST ME

ALSO

look its just like when you look at Harriet Cole’s facial nerves vs. the Last Judgement fresco

1984 aerial photograph of Povarovo, Russia, former site of the transmitter for UVB-76

itS just A coINCIdeNCE

am I right

ALSO

HOW THE FUCK DOES DEEP SEA GIGANTISM MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE

WHERE IS THE ENERGY COMING FROM TO MAKE ANIMALS THAT BIG DOWN THERE? THERE IS ALMOST NO LIGHT AND NO PLANTS EVEN, IN THE REALLY DEEP OCEAN.

THEY SAY THAT THE COLD SLOWS THE METABOLISMS OF THOSE CREATURES. THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHERE THE EXTRA ENERGY COMES FROM TO MAKE THEM SO BIG

CALORIES IN CALORIES OUT, YOU GUYS

CAN A FUCKING PHYSICIST EXPLAIN THIS TO ME INSTEAD OF A BIOLOGIST

OR SOMETHING

HEY MAYBE I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GO TO SCHOOL, HUH??

HEY AREN’T THERE LIKE HYDROTHERMAL VENTS DOWN THERE

AND VOLCANOES??

IS THE ENERGY COMING FROM THE HEAT???

HOW ARE THEY EATING IT???

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER SEEN A VENT

LIKE A NORMAL VENT ON THE OUTSIDE OF A BUILDING

HAVE YOU GUYS READ JUPITER FIVE BY ARTHUR C CLARKE?

YEAH ITS A FUCKING SPACESHIP YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS

WE ARE MOSS GROWING ON THE FUCKING HULL

GERMS AREN’T REAL YOU GUYS

YOU’RE SICK BECAUSE OF WITCHCRAFT

ALSO THE SUN ORBITS THE EARTH

and the stripper thinks your dick is big

No but in all seriousness

YOU CAN MAKE A DIRTY BOMB OUT OF IRIDIUM

WHICH IS ALSO WHAT WAS FOUND IN THE CRATER OF WHATEVER SUPPOSEDLY KILLED THE DINOSAURS. ALL OF THE DINSOSAURS. AT ONCE. SOMEHOW

HEY HAVE YOU GUYS EVER USED A BUG BOMB

LIKE “RID” OR SOMETHING

TO GET RID OF BUGS

IRIDIUM IS THE SECOND DENSEST SUBSTANCE ON EARTH

AFTER OSMIUM

DENSER SUBSTANCES CREATE HIGHER GRAVITY

WHICH SLOWS DOWN TIME, BASICALLY

IRIDIUM AND OSMIUM ARE BOTH REALLY RARE IN THE EARTH’S CRUST

SOME SCIENTISTS THINK THE CORE IS MADE OF OTHER TRANSITION METALS LIKE NICKEL

I DISAGREE

I THINK IT’S DENSER ELEMENTS LIKE IRIDIUM AND OSMIUM

SLOWING DOWN TIME AT THE CORE OF THE EARTH BECAUSE OF THE GRAVITATIONAL TIME DILATION

FOR THE PILOTS

ARE YOU GUYS ENJOYING MY SUICIDE NOTE

MAKING SOMEONE WORK FOR FREE IS SLAVERY

HEY I DON’T KNOW MATH

AND THEY WON’T LET ME GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND LEARN IT

CAN SOMEONE DO THE MATH ON HOW MUCH THE TIME DILATION WOULD BE IF THERE WAS A GIANT SPHERE OF OSMIUM AT THE CORE OF THE EARTH?

I ASKED THE AI AND IT SAID THAT WOULD MAKE THE EARTH’S CORE 3 TO 4 YEARS YOUNGER THAN THE SURFACE

SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

IS IT LIKE FUCKING INTERSTELLAR OR EUROPA REPORT?

DUDE NO

DUDE ARE RICH PEOPLE TAKING VACATIONS DOWN THERE TO AGE SLOWER

DUDE

DUDE WHAT IF THERE IS SOMETHING EVEN DENSER THAN OSMIUM

WE DISCOVER NEW ELEMENTS ALL THE TIME

OH GOD

Hassium & Meitnerium: THEORETICALLY DENSER

IRIDIUM CAN BE DENSER THAN OSMIUM AT HIGH PRESSURES ALSO

WHY AREN’T I ALLOWED AT SCHOOL AGAIN?

HEY HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD THE RUMOR THAT I CARRY A “HUNTING KNIFE” AS A WEAPON?

IT’S NOT TRUE

I CAN THINK OF TWO TIMES IN MY LIFE WHEN I PICKED UP A KNIFE IN SELF DEFENSE

ONCE IT WAS A KITCHEN KNIFE AND ONCE IT WAS A POCKET KNIFE. BOTH TIMES I WAS BEING THREATENED BY CRIMINALS. ONCE WAS WHEN I WAS A MINOR. THE TIME WHEN I WAS AN ADULT, I WAS LITERALLY ON THE PHONE WITH THE 911 OPERATOR WHILE HOLDING THE KNIFE. NEITHER TIME DID I STAB ANYONE, TO BE CLEAR.

ALSO: THE PERSON WHO HAS A STALKING ORDER AGAINST ME HAS NEVER SEEN ME PICK UP ANY KIND OF WEAPON EVER

I DON’T JUST RUN AROUND THREATENING PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

THAT’S NOT SOMETHING I DO

I DON’T USUALLY CARRY WEAPONS. UNLESS LIKE IM IN THE WOODS WITH BEAR MACE OR SOMETHING.

I’VE ALSO NEVER OWNED A GUN. OR FIRED A GUN. I SHOT A BB GUN AT CANS ONCE. I ALSO TOOK A GUN SAFETY CLASS. THEY ONLY LET US FIRE FAKE GUNS ON A DIGITAL RANGE. IT WAS THE FIRST CLASS. I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE GUN SAFETY CLASSES BECAUSE I’M PROHIBITED FROM POSSESSING GUNS NOW.

I HEARD THERE IS ALSO A RUMOR THAT I “THREATEN TO KIDNAP CHILDREN.”

I DON’T DO THAT EITHER. THE CLOSEST THING I CAN THINK OF IS TIMES WHEN I HAVE CALLED CPS OUT OF GENUINE CONCERN FOR THE SAFETY OF CHILDREN. TO BE CLEAR

I HEARD THERE IS ALSO A RUMOR THAT I “HAVE SEX WITH DOGS”!

I DON’T! HOWEVER SHORTLY BEFORE I HEARD ABOUT THAT RUMOR, I WAS REGULARLY HAVING SEX WITH TWO DIFFERENT BLACK GUYS!

GUYS HASSIUM HAS A HALF LIFE OF ONLY LIKE TEN SECONDS

BUT WHAT IF YOU PUT IT INSIDE OF A SPACE THAT WAS ALREADY TIME DILATED???

LIKE A RUSSIAN DOLL OF DENSE SUBSTANCES???

IT’S RIVENDELL YOU FUCKING RETARDED IMBECILES

ALSO THINK THERE IS A SET OF SOMETHING LIKE ROSE GOLD (COPPER, SILVER, AND GOLD? SOMETHING LIKE THAT) RINGS ROTATING AROUND THE EARTH’S CORE (TEENYVERSE! MICROVERSE! IT’S MY CAR’S BATTERY.) LIKE A GYROSCOPE. MERCURY IS INVOLVED IN THE SYSTEM TOO, I THINK, AS A LUBRICANT. I THINK THAT’S WHY FISH ARE HAVING HIGH CONCENTRATIONS OF MERCURY. WE DRILLED AND IT LEAKED.

SAMARIUM IS PROBABLY INVOLVED TOO, AND I THINK THE “RUSSIAN DOLL” OF TIME DILATION MIGHT BE EXTENDING THE HALF LIFE OF PLUTONIUM (which plutonium is it Doug? LMFAO) OR OTHER RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL WHICH IS POWERING THE SHIP.

SOME KIND OF SILVERY WHITE VAPOR IS PRODUCED, AS THE HIGH TEMPERATURES VAPORIZE THE MATERIALS. THE VAPOR OR “MIST” IS REFERENCED A LOT, FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. ALL OF THIS IS. FROM THE “MISTS” OF AVALON OR THE CELTIC OTHERWORLD, TO “GRILLZ” BY NELLY

I THINK THE ENTIRE LANTHANIDE SERIES MIGHT BE COMPONENTS OF THE ENGINE? WE MIGHT BE MISSING SOME STUFF

I FIGURED THIS OUT FROM MY EIGHTH GRADE KNOWLEDGE OF SCIENCE AND FROM READING CENTURIES OF TWILIGHT LANGUAGE, NOT FROM UNDERSTANDING COMPLEX PHYSICS.

I KNOW OF A WOMAN NAMED GENEVIEVE GALARNEAU WHO MAJORED IN ETHNOMUSICOLOGY AND SPEAKS ELVISH. I RECOMMEND ASKING HER ABOUT GEOPHYSICS. I NEVER HAVE, PERSONALLY. I BET SHE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

I ALSO KNOW HOW TO TRAVEL AT LIGHT SPEED

IM NOT TELLING YOU UNTIL YOU GIVE ME MY WELL DESERVED PHD

IT DIES WITH ME

ALL THE ANSWERS TO UNSOLVED PHYSICS PROBLEMS DIE WITH ME

TICK FUCKING TOCK

SEA-BORG-IUM??????
I REST MY CASE

APPARENTLY PEOPLE IN GERMANY ARE VIEWING THIS WEBSITE

JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS FUNNY?

cucumber who?

I’m getting real tired of sharing this hot tub with Dan Schneider, you guys

hey did you guys hear that PSU just got a 2 million dollar semiconductor research grant???

Remember guys

I didn’t “die doing what I loved.”

I was not a willing martyr

I was sacrificed like a goat by cowards who were trying to cover their own ass

I screamed “stop” and “no” the whole time

NEVER FORGET

I THINK THAT THE REASON THAT THE CITY COUNCIL WON’T BAN FOIE GRAS IS BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT COULD BE USED AS AN ARGUMENT AGAINST TUBE FEEDING PEOPLE ON HUNGER STRIKES

LIKE MINOR CHILDREN ON HUNGER STRIKES MAYBE

THAT MIGHT BE WHY THEY ARE TRYING TO BAN FOIE GRAS. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T LEAK THE MEDICAL INFORMATION OF MINORS. OR ADULTS BECAUSE OF HIPAA?

LIKE WHY ELSE WOULD THE CITY COUNCIL SAY “NO” TO. BANNING FOIE GRAS?

IT’S PORTLAND

MY ADVICE TO THE ADULTS IS THIS

TELL THE CHILDREN THE TRUTH

IF YOU WANT THEM TO LIVE