Pride is just as important as humility

In the age of the “woke,” killing your ego has probably jumped to the top of your to-do list.

That pesky ego, you’ve got to be rid of it!

After all, how will you reach enlightenment with that presumptuous balloon of self-satisfaction swirling around your personality? Somebody’s getting too big for their britches.

Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

Where’s your humility?

Humility is defined as “a modest or low view of one’s own importance.”

It’s good to have humility. It’s good to know that you’re small, relative to the vastness of the universe. It’s good to know that you’re not omniscient or omnipotent. You shouldn’t be expected to know or to do everything.

The kind of humility that makes you sure you aren’t qualified to perform brain surgery, the kind that reminds you to listen as well as speak in a conversation, the kind that lets you hear what other people have to teach you; that’s the kind you want.

It’s not about thinking less of yourself, right?

It’s about thinking of yourself less.

Worry about others. Be grateful for what you have. Being humble is always a wise choice, right?

How could any of this be bad advice?

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It seems like the world is always encouraging us to cut ourselves down to size, but in my humble opinion, being humble isn’t always the best policy.

I’m here to introduce a new concept:

Toxic Humility

Do you sing in the shower?

I do.

Guess what: I don’t sound like Celine Dion. And I’m guessing you probably don’t either. Does that mean it’s not okay for me to enjoy the sound of my own voice, or for you to enjoy yours?

What if you look down at your body in the shower?

What if you think for a moment, *gasp*

“I’m attractive”?

That would be wrong, wouldn’t it? Self-obsession, vanity, conceit, ego.

Oh no, now you’re appreciating your new bathroom tile! Materialism! Your list of sins against your humble higher self is getting longer and longer, and you haven’t even had breakfast yet.

You might visualize Gandhi or Mother Teresa hovering above you in a cloud of ether, shaking their head and saying,

“tsk tsk.”

This is so not spiritual.

Why do you need to spend so much time humbling yourself, anyway?

After all, you probably weren’t even that great, to begin with.

There’s always going to be someone faster, stronger, smarter, or prettier than you. Everything you’re good at– there’s somebody who can do it better.

Also, the culture and economy that surrounds you is basically a giant conspiracy to tell you that you suck.

You’re not as strong as that athlete, but take these supplements and hire this trainer you might get close. You’re not as pretty as that model, but if you buy these clothes and wear this makeup, you might get close. You won’t ever be a famous millionaire, but you can read about famous millionaires and dream about what it would be like to live their lives.

The more you hate yourself, the easier it is to sell you things.

Maybe that’s why most of us hate ourselves, quite a bit of the time, more than we admit, to ourselves or to others.

We don’t want people to know we hate ourselves, but it’s leaking out anyway.

Self-deprecating humor is becoming popular these days. Popular to the point where joking about being suicidally depressed has become almost the norm. It’s all over the internet. We’ve all seen the memes– and we’ve all read the writing on the wall.

It’s just not cool to think you’re cool anymore.

…Except, you are, aren’t you? At least sometimes.

You were pretty cool when you helped your friend move. That was a lot of boxes you carried. You were rad when you learned that new oboe song. Remember when you couldn’t even play a scale?

That time you bought a sandwich for a homeless lady? I mean, you’re not Jesus or anything, but isn’t it ok to be proud of that?

How about when you graduated from college? Pretty groovy. The day you got that promotion? Weren’t you the friggin cat’s pajamas then?

Do you humble yourself to avoid making others uncomfortable?

If you’re making it obvious that you’re great, other people might not feel as great about themselves. Jealousy is frustration with something that you yourself lack, and others seeing you with what they wish they had won’t always make them friendly.

You might remember this from grade school.

You’re not smart, you’re a “know-it-all,” and you’re not well-behaved, you’re “teacher’s pet.” Maybe not everyone needs to know that you got an A on your spelling quiz. Don’t you want to have somebody to eat lunch with?

It’s natural to want to reign it in a bit. You wouldn’t want to make others uncomfortable. It’s a good instinct. Nobody likes the guy who only talks about how awesome he is.

Of course, you don’t want to be that douchebag– but it’s also possible to swing too far to the opposite end of the arrogance spectrum.

Sometimes we don’t want to be exceptional because we want people to like us. If we are good at things, or if we’ve done something good, or if there’s something inherently good about us, that makes us different, and this could be threatening to others.

Because what makes us exceptional also makes us different, we might end up destroying the best things about ourselves to satisfy our impulse to conform.

If you’ve threatened others in the past by being extraordinary, you might have some idea of what I’m talking about. You might have let this hold you back from trying things, or doing things, or being things.

You might have developed a bad habit–choosing the comfort of the people around you over your own freedom to be authentic and free.

Always putting other people first and neglecting your own needs doesn’t help you or them. It’s also just as egotistical as always putting your own needs first.

Not only are you selling yourself short when it comes to the things that matter to you, but you might even be allowing yourself to harbor resentment against others for something you’re doing.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t people who will take advantage of the space that you free up by keeping yourself small — but anything negative you feel towards them will only hurt you, and will undeniably be caused, if indirectly, by you.

Ironically, the person that you’ll turn into by trying to please others is probably not the person you thought they would like in the first place. Nobody likes a sychophant- they’re just as bad as the Chad who can’t stop patting himself on the back.

Come to think of it, these two archetypes really are peas in a pod, aren’t they?

There will always be the kind of person who thinks so highly of themselves that they believe they deserve everything, and there will always be the kind of person who thinks so lowly of themselves that they believe they have to give everything to the person who thinks highly of themselves.

From the outside, each of these characters might look like a hero, or a villain, at times. A martyr, a traitor, call them what you want; the truth is– they’re both doomed to suffer in the roles they’re playing.

You don’t want to be either of these people.

It’s true that you’re not above anybody. But you’re not below anybody, either.

It’s okay to try hard, it’s okay to be good at things, and it’s okay to be happy when you succeed. It’s okay to take pride in your skills and talents. It’s okay to think you’re smart. It’s okay to think you’re pretty. It’s okay to like yourself.

This isn’t an excuse to be greedy, to brag, or to otherwise be a jerk.

This is permission to let yourself be awesome; without any anxiety about how that might make others feel. If you’re making other people feel bad by being the best version of yourself, then they are the ones with the problem, not you.

Don’t shrink for them.

Take up space.

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Originally published on medium.com on September 11th, 2019.